I know that this post is long over due, but I am so happy to announce that our second baby boy, Cohen Connor Elliott was welcomed into the world on April 24th, 2013!

Waking up on April 23rd I knew our lives were about to change for the better. Mark and I got up, grabbed our bags and headed to the IWK to be induced! Around 9 am I received my first dose of gel, which is how they induced me for my first pregnancy and then the waiting began! We stayed there for about an hour to be monitored and my contractions started rather quickly though they were not strong enough to make anything start that fast. We went home around lunch time and were due back around 3 pm, hopefully for a second dose or a baby! I had been feeling some contractions the whole time leading up to going back to the hospital so we were pretty excited that something was moving along. When we got back to the hospital the nurse informed us that my contractions were about five minutes apart and I was about three centimeters, I was moving along fast enough that they couldn't give me another dose, but they also couldn't admit me because I wasn't far enough along. Crap. We were headed back home again. 
After arriving back home around supper time we knew we were in for a long night. Our nurse told us before leaving the hospital to come back the next day for 9 am again, but she had a feeling she wouldn't see us because she figured we would be back in later that night to have a baby, we had our fingers crossed that she was right!

Around 7 pm Mark and I piled back into the car and headed back to the IWK, I thought for sure this was it.Wrong. Turns out I was still only three centimeters and my contractions were now four minutes apart. The nurses told us to go walk around for two hours and then head back to be checked again. So we walked and stopped for contractions then we walked and we would stop then I was hot so we would walk outside, then I was cold so we would walk inside. Finally two hours had passed and we headed back upstairs to be checked again but unfortunately, still nothing! Again, we made the trip back home. I rolled and rolled around on the couch once we were back home. Mark decided he needed to try and sleep and so I rolled and rolled around some more falling asleep for about four minutes at a time, or at least I think I was falling asleep. At 2 am I wondered down to our bedroom and crawled in bed with Mark, I felt like I was being tough when I was upstairs by myself but once I started talking to Mark, that's when I melted and started crying in so much pain! Mark was very prepared. Lights were on, keys on the night stand and he was sleeping fully dressed so he could just jump up and go and that is exactly what he did. Me on the other hand, I felt like I couldn't move. He stood in the door way waiting for me telling me to breathe but let me tell you, breathing is not an option for some reason when you are having contractions. I don't know why but it is like all sense of breathing goes out the door! 

Finally we made it back upstairs and Mark was waiting by the door, two towels in hand in case my water broke on the way and a bucket because I didn't think I was going to make it the whole way there without being sick! Good thing it was the early hours of the morning and there was no traffic but it was foggy and the rain was really starting to come down, I still don't know how Mark made it the whole way to the hospital with me hanging off his arm while he was driving. The whole time he was completely calm, holding my hand and just reminding me to breathe. When we arrived, we were four centimeters and we were able to be admitted! The walk from one room to the other was almost unbearable. Mark and I didn't have much of a birth plan, after all, with everything that had happened with Connor we knew just about anything could happen regardless of how we wanted it to. Leading up to the big day I did want to try and experience as much of my labor as possible before I got an epidural, that plan however went right out the door. As soon as they offered me pain relief I was very quick to take it! I told Mark that if I ever say again that I don't want an epidural that he should slap me five times and shake my head for me!

Once I was comfortable I called my parents and told them I was four centimeters and that they should wait a bit longer before they headed over. Mark then made his phone call and then everyone was in baby mode! I got checked again soon after we hung up the phone and I was at six centimeters, things seemed to be moving very fast so I text my sister and they were getting ready to head over. Once I was comfortable Mark went to move the car and grab our bags, while he was gone the nurse explained to me that while I was being monitored she noticed that with each contraction the baby's heart rate was dropping most likely because the cord was wrapped around his neck but at that time, was coming right back up after each one and that we shouldn't worry because she was keeping a close eye on it. I explained this to Mark once he got back and then our families showed up and we waited! Everyone got there fast and even my Nan and Aunt showed up after saying that they wouldn't be there until after the baby was born! Eventually, everyone went down to the waiting room to give Mark and I some rest. Except my sister, she was going to be in the delivery room with us, just like she was supposed to for Connor. After watching the monitor, which I couldn't see, my nurse said she was going to get a doctor to get a second opinion on the heart rate because with each contraction it was now taking longer and longer for the heart rate to come back up. My nurse and two other doctors came back and were watching the monitor and decided to hook up a different kind of monitor into the top of his head to get a better read on his heart rate and they gave me an oxygen mask to try and help the baby as well. After what felt like hours of watching them watch a monitor they made the decision that I needed an emergency c-section. A c-section was the last thing I wanted and I started to panic. All of a sudden Mark was in scrubs and I was 8 centimeters dilated as they were rushing us to the OR. My sister was sent to the waiting room with instructions to tell the family what was going on, a job that I am sure was very hard with the all to familiar scary feelings creeping back from what happened when we lost Connor. 

I was terrified when we got to the OR. Was this really happening right now? Was my baby really in jeopardy? Was it really as bad as I thought? I couldn't move my body from the epidural so I was moved from my bed onto a much, MUCH smaller table and pumped full of more drugs to make me even more numb. I was shaking, crying and so overwhelmed. Looking to my right there was a man waiting to preform my c-section, above me the anesthesiologist, to the right a team from the NICU waiting for the baby and between my legs two doctors and two nurses. I really felt like I could push this baby out, I knew I could get this baby here safely and I was determined. My nurse, who was amazing, checked me one last time and I was 10 centimeters! Before preforming the c-section they gave me the option to push and I wasn't messing around. While everyone was getting ready my nurse told me to try pushing and that I did. With one push, his head was nearly out and everyone began cheering and rushing to get prepared. I never had so many people cheering me on, another push and his head was out and they cut the umbilical cord away from his neck and one last push he was out. I caught a quick glimpse of him before they took him to the table and he was blue. Now I was even more afraid. It felt like an eternity but just as Mark and I looked at each other we heard the sound we had been waiting to hear for two years. Cohen Connor Elliott finally cried. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. I did it. We did it. After 37 long weeks, 8 ultrasounds and lots of appointments our baby boy was finally here. My body did its job, it kept our baby safe and now he was here in our arms. Mark didn't know what to do. He wanted to be by my side but he wanted to be by Cohens. I remember telling him to go make sure he was OK, and from the sound of his lungs he was very OK! I heard the nurse ask Mark if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord, something he has been waiting to do! 

After what felt like an eternity I got what I had been waiting for, Cohen was finally in my arms. I thought I had cried many tears before, but these tears were a whole new level. Finally we were crying happy tears, tears of extreme joy, a feeling that I could experience over and over again! Mark text his mom from the OR and finally they could all experience the joy of knowing he was finally here safe and sound and that all was good. We got wheeled back to our room and we just sat there, the three of us. Well I guess you should say four of us, because I know deep in my heart Connor was there keeping us all safe and sound. I couldn't stop looking at Mark. I couldn't believe it. Right here in our arms was a little piece of each of us. As much as we miss Connor, it was because of him that we were holding our new baby in our arms. Already we couldn't imagine life any other way.

After we got all our snuggles and love in, Mark went to the waiting room and got our families. There I was sitting in our room just me and my son. That's right, we had another son. He was all ours and he wasn't going anywhere. I suddenly could hear footsteps, heavy ones, getting closer and closer and then in came flying my mom! She ran the whole way to our room and it couldn't have been a more amazing feeling to see her face coming through the door, at that moment I needed my mom. Mark was absolutely amazing through everything, my pregnancy, the scariness of our delivery and taking care of me. But at that moment, when all was said and done and I could take off my "brave" panties and put on my "I have never been so scared in my life" panties, I just wanted a big bear hug from my mom, and that is what I got! 

I am only 22 years old, Mark 25 and already we have learned so much from our children. We have dealt with things that we should never had to deal with. We have found a new strength in each other and we continue to everyday. I never would have guessed that at this age we would have buried one son and welcomed a second one so soon after but I wouldn't change it for the world. It is such an amazing feeling to wake up everyday to the life that we have built with each other. Finally, after all of the rain, we have our rainbow! 

The other night as Mark and I were driving home we were reminiscing about May 19th, the worst and best day of our lives so far. Looking back we both wouldn't have changed anything that we did in the hours leading up to the birth of Connor or in the days after. It's so crazy how in just ten or so weeks we will be experiencing the birth of our second baby and it will be a completely different one for us.

Some days it is hard to look ahead and plan for the future knowing now all too well that the future is never promised. I keep telling myself to go into the next couple months with a load of confidence and happiness. I know I have a lot of support behind me, from not only my family now but from all the lives touched by Connor. This time things will be different. This time the sound of our baby crying is going to fill the hospital room instead of the sad tears of family. We will have many sleepless nights, but not because the tears of what we have lost are keeping us awake, but because the tears of Connors brother or sister that need to be soothed are keeping us awake. Our arms will not be empty when we leave the hospital, they will be carrying a baby, a baby that will be coming home to stay not only in our memories and heart but in the nursery so well guarded by his or her big brother, Connor.

As time moves faster and faster towards new baby time I can't help but feel overwhelmed. How would Connor feel knowing we are going to bring home a new baby that will use the nursery made originally for him, that the clothes that were bought for him will be worn on a different baby (if a boy). Would he be upset knowing that the car seat that was supposed to fit his cozy seven pounds of cuteness is going to be used for his brother or sister? Or would he be happy knowing that we have learned so much that we couldn't let his memory live on in only us but in a little brother or sister as well. If I could tell Connor one thing it would be that this baby is not to replace him. There is a special place in Mommy and Daddy's heart that is just for him and will always remain just for him. No amount of time that passes will ever make that change and it will certainly never go away.

I know I may not keep up with my blog as much as I would like lately, but for awhile it was hard to write. As time passes I realize the amount of support I have from the people who read my blog, the comments and the love that everyone sends gives me so much confidence. The end of this pregnancy is coming and the beginning of a new chapter is about to start. As this new chapter starts, I want all the people who were there for us to be included, everyone makes this journey easier. Just a simple ear to listen or a heart to tell us they love us and are there for us makes so much difference!

I can't believe it has been six months since I was being discharged from the hospital, leaving with empty arms and a heavy heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Connor and how life would be if he was here. No matter what people say, it doesn't get any easier. I have been doing really good until the other day when I went to find something to put out at Connor's grave for the winter. Walking around the store I just couldn't find anything perfect enough, something that expressed how much we love and miss him or something that symbolized his first Christmas that is just around the corner. Everything I seen just wasn't good enough.   

My emotions have been way up then way down lately there has been no rhyme or reason to how I feel. By no means am I complaining, even though life has been crazy lately I have nothing to complain about. On the upside, we have about six more months left to go until we meet new baby Elliott. This baby likes to give Momma backaches, headaches, nausea and pure exhaustion but I wouldn't have it any other way. I will do whatever I have to do to get this little baby here in our arms, I will live in the hospital if I have too. I find that I haven't quite let myself believe that I am pregnant again or at least I didn't until November 1st when Mark and I seen our new sweet baby during an early ultrasound and heard his or her heartbeat. I am sure my blood pressure was at an extreme high but I couldn't hold back the emotions that I was feeling when I seen those tiny little legs and arms moving around and his or her heart beating just the way it should be. I talk to Connor every night and ask him to watch over his new brother or sister, to keep him or her safe. I'm sure he is up there just rolling his little eyes because I worry too much, but Momma can't help it. It seems to be what I do best.

Connor is our sunshine, this baby is our rainbow. After our sunshine came the biggest storm of our lives, but this baby will bring a rainbow for all of the people who were touched by our loss.

I have been waiting to write this blog ever since I started writing and finally the day has come. I am over the moon excited to announce that Mark and I are expecting baby number two!

When we got the O.K to start trying again after losing Connor, Mark and I prepared ourselves for a long journey. We were hoping for the best, but also preparing ourselves for the worst because we have learned that life does not work out the way that you expect it too. Ever since then I have been wondering if I would know when I was pregnant again. The answer, kind of. In one week I took about 4 pregnancy tests, each one would have a very faded plus sign, it was not like when I took one when I was pregnant for Connor. These tests were not convincing at all, so for another week we waited and waited. Finally, September 4th I went all out and bought one of the EPT's that clearly states, "YES" or "NO". I pee'd on the stick, shoved it back in the box put the box in my purse and left to get Mark from work. Waiting in the parking lot for Mark to get off I looked at the test and nothing had happened. I thought for sure I had done something wrong, damn, there goes 25 bucks!! Right before Mark came out of work I had one more peek, sure enough just as I looked a big "YES" popped into the window. Holy Crap! This fast, my stomach hit the floor of the car and bounced back out of my ears then Mark got into the car. When I found I was pregnant for Connor I didn't get to see Mark's reaction and I had told him on the phone, so this time around I wanted it to be some what special. I wanted to wait til we got home to tell him but of course Mark had to stop at Sobey's, I thought I was going to explode! On the way to the grocery store Mark had said "Well, if your not pregnant then I don't know what I am going to do. I'm starting to get excited." Oh god, was it written all over my face that I was pregnant!! We got to the grocery store and I stayed in the car, 20 minutes later, which really felt like 20 hours, Mark came out and we were finally heading home. I think I was shaking, I don't know if it was excitement or nerves or both, but I could have thrown up when we pulled in the driveway. Once we were home I told Mark that I had gotten him a present and he had to close his eyes, he was very reluctant, but finally he did! I took out my pregnancy test and sat it on the coffee table in front of him and told him to open his eyes. He picked it up, looked at it, looked at me and said "is this ours?" Uh, DUH! I wouldn't give you someone else's pee stick!! Needless to say, the look on his face said it all, it was exactly what we had both been hoping, wishing and dreaming for.

Today, I want to say Thank You to everyone who prayed for us and Thank You to those who always stuck by our side. We would not be where we are today if it wasn't for our "Posse". Mom, Dad, Anne, Russell, Sis, Rob, Kristine, Curtis, Sharon and Nan, you guys have had our backs, our hearts and Connor always on your minds and we will forever be grateful for everything you guys have done. Sometimes you guys have been a shoulder, an ear or someone we just need to be mean too but you guys have always understood just what we needed. You guys have always given us a place to relax and just feel loved. I'm sure you all already know, but we love you guys so much!

Tonight, I really miss my boy. This Sunday, September 16th is my parents anniversary. It also marks a new anniversary, exactly one year since Mark and I found out we were pregnant with Connor. Everyday is slowly starting to get easier to face, although they would be much better if he was here with us. We went to visit him last night, his foot stone looking as beautiful as ever of course.

I don't wake up in the morning anymore hoping everything was just a dream. I am no longer afraid to walk through the mall worried I will see someone. It doesn't bother me to work alone at work anymore but, as I sit here writing, I do still cry that I can admit. Even though each day gets easier, sometimes it is hard to live life without Connor physically here with us, having to plan our lives with him only in our hearts and not in our arms. I wish sometimes that there was a rule book on how to grieve, so you can know when your going to have bad days even though now they are few and far between. When we were visiting Connor I asked Mark if he remembered holding him, of course he remembered. I remember he felt so big wrapped in all the blankets, he looked so peaceful like at any minute he was going to wake up. I remember how hard it was to give him back to our nurse so they could weigh him. I remember everything from that day, I always wondered if I would remember everything and I do minute for minute. I remember exactly how it felt to call my parents and how it felt walking through the front door only 11 hours after our Son was born, how it felt leaving him behind.

I have learned that your mind is a battlefield and everyday you have to wake up and fight your battle. 99 percent of the time I win. I wake up everyday knowing my life is my message to the world and I am determined to make sure it is inspiring.

♥

My sister and I are what most people would call "polar opposites", at least that's what I used to think. When we were younger if she liked white, I liked black. If she needed the car, I wanted the car. Everything was an argument, just like all siblings do. Up until recently my sister and I never really talked much, I would see her at my parents house every now and then. We grew up, we were living our own separate lives. Now that I think about it, we were just fighting our own battles which have now brought us closer then ever. In 2009, my sister found out she was pregnant. Much like me, her pregnancy also didn't result in bringing a beautiful baby home after a few days in the hospital. My sister ended up having a ectopic pregnancy , a few days later resulting in losing her baby along with one of her fallopian tubes. I remember sitting in the hospital with her, not really sure or understanding much of what was going on. All I knew is that I didn't want to leave her.

Three and a half months ago, my sister also never left my side. She held my hand, she rubbed my back and she knew all the right things to say. She may not have carried a baby as long as I did, but she lost a baby just like I did. She knows exactly how it feels when you hear "guess who's pregnant!". How terribly heartbreaking it is to hear that someone is pregnant and it's not you. Although you feel happy for the ones who are pregnant, there is a hard feeling of jealousy. I remember when I told my sister I was pregnant. I was terrified. I was so afraid that she would be mad, because I got pregnant and she couldn't. I was completely wrong. My sister was extremely happy for me, she always told me she was going to spoil Connor. She made me promise that her and Rob would be the first ones to babysit Connor. She was going to be there when I had Connor, she never thought twice. She wiped my face when I was sick in the hospital and dabbed my forehead when I was hot. She stayed there with Mark and I and told us we were so strong. I am not a grown up yet, I'm still learning. But my sister and I have managed to grow into best friends.

I recently submitted Connors story to a website, faces of loss, and they published it for many other woman to read. After my sister looked around the site, she too submitted her story. After reading her story I learned a lot more about how alike we are. We both have had a lot of heartbreak but have survived and took something good out of it. The other night I told her we need to write a book. Once we're both happily married with children. Because even if it's not happening now, it will happen for us both eventually in our lives! After all, believing is everything! 

I strongly encourage people to read my sisters story!
http://facesofloss.com/2012/09/5823.html#more-5823

I never stop researching stillbirths. I will never stop looking for more ways to share our story. These things help me to keep Connors spirit alive. While I was looking around on the internet today I found a site called "Faces of loss/Faces of hope" which also directed me to iamtheface.org. These sites offer an outrageous amount of support from thousand of women that have suffered the same pain that Mark and I have and have survived. We are survivors. We have faced pain and heartache that is incomparable to anything we have ever felt before but we get up everyday and live our life to the fullest.

These sites along with the women who share their stories help to make stillbirth and other loss not so taboo. It is so nice to share our story with people who actually understand how we feel and can relate. When you lose a loved one it is so hard, but losing a child is different. When someone older has passed away you can manage to feel a sense of happiness because even though they are gone, you know they lived "x" amount of good years on this earth and have had a chance to do the things they love. (Don't get me wrong, losing anyone is hard, child, parent or friend. It is all equally painful and heartbreaking).  Losing a child is something no one can ever relate to unless you have experienced it. It is a time in your life where you experience many different emotions all at once. You feel sad and heartbroken because you are losing your child and that child will never get the chance to experience life for themselves but at the same time you feel happy. Happy because you are holding your child, which no matter the circumstance is the most amazing feeling any person will ever feel. You feel mad and confused because you can't manage to comprehend why this is happening to you, why you got dealt the bad hand in that chapter in your life. You feel guilty because you are the one that carried your baby as long as you could and yet your baby still could not get here safely. I used to think this is just how I felt, but now that I have read many different blogs from women who are just like me I know its perfectly normal to feel this way. I just keep reminding myself there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If grieving came with a pamphlet life would be much easier.

I am so happy to have learned what I have through all of the heartbreak. I have learned what my mind, body and heart can handle and it's a lot more then I ever could have imagined. I am amazed at what my body can do. I carried a child in my body for nine months, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. It's so crazy to get up every morning and look at myself in the mirror and remember what I have been through. I constantly remind myself that I can do anything I put my mind to now. Nothing in life is ever out of reach, all you have to do is believe that you can do it. I never thought I would get through losing our first child, but I have and I have managed to find the bright and the positive side in everything that has happened.

To all the women who have helped me cope by sharing your stories, Thank You. You have no idea how much your stories have helped me realize that Mark and I are not alone. Even though sometimes it may feel like it, we are not the only ones who have had to deal with losing a child.

FINALLY!
Connors foot stone is finally here!

It is such a bittersweet feeling to see our sweet baby boys name written in stone on the ground. It is so official that he will never be coming back to us, he's really gone forever. This will always mark a special place and time in our lives.

It breaks my heart to know that he will never get to celebrate his first birthday, his first Christmas and when the time comes the first day that he should have been starting school. He will never get to become a teenager, get his license or graduate. So many people take things in life for granted, like spending Christmas with loved ones or celebrating someones birthday. When the time comes, Connor will have his first Christmas in his own unique way. His first birthday will be one celebrated by many and with lots of love.

So many people ask me how I am doing.
Most people ask with the head tilt or the sad eyes. I, in return answer with my biggest smile and tell them, "Really, I'm fine". Most of the time, this is true. I don't think there will ever be a time in my life when I don't have bad days thinking about what has happened. How could I not, I'm twenty-one years old and have already lost a child. Mark and I have been through something that most parents only fear. We have lived through our worst fear and we have survived, we are surviving. We are lucky. We got to hold our baby, we got to celebrate his life and we always will. We had such plans for our Son, but he decided to give us the biggest test of our lives. I just hope that he is looking down on us and is as proud of us as we are of him.

Connor made our house a home, he made us parents.

This weekend was a lot of fun. It was so nice to just check-out for a bit and have a good time. Sometimes I find I don't let myself have a good time much anymore, it makes me feel guilty. When I'm out having fun it makes me feel like Connor thinks were forgetting about him, like were trying to move on even though were not. It's never about moving on, it's about getting some normalcy back into our lives. Emotions can be so complicated sometimes. One minute I'm having the time of my life, the next I can't function. I love the memories I have of Connor but sometimes it is just so hard. I'm constantly being reminded of the day Connor died.

That's the first time I ever referred to Connor as dying. I don't like saying that he died because the place he has in my heart is still so very alive and always will be.

No matter where I am or what I'm doing there is always something around that reminds me of my baby. Sometimes I just sit and stare at Mark cause there's so much of Connor in him, other times it's a song, a show or a commercial. The burnt CD that we have in the car when we came home from the hospital takes me right back to that day, May 18th. The very day we found out. When we drive through construction it reminds me of the intense contractions and busy roads when Mark was driving me to the hospital.


Ninety-eight percent of the time I can focus on the good that Connor has brought to our lives but the other two percent is so hard. The future that Mark and I have together is what we need to focus on and how Connor brought us so close together. Connor has educated us on how life doesn't always go the way you think it will and that you should never take life for granted. You need to live each moment like it's your last. Every time you hug a person you love, hug them like your never going to see them again. When you tell someone you love them, really mean it.

I still talk to you whenever I'm alone, and feel you when the wind blows. I wonder how you are and what your doing way up there. Are you laughing or are you crying cause you miss us all down here?
I wish I had the chance to hold you one last time, it hurts to know you never got to say goodbye. You're never really gone, your memory still remains. I miss you more then words could ever help me to explain. This road I'm on will end and I will see you again.
I'll see you when the set runs out, when the song ends and the curtain falls. I'll see you on the other side and you can show me what it's like. You'll smile and take my hand and I'll ask, how you been?
When I see you again ♥

I am completely astonished by the amount of people I have reached with my blog. So many people have written me and told me about how much I have changed their outlook on life and how they deal with their "problems" with a different approach since reading my blogs. When I hear everyone's feedback it feels amazing. Knowing how much I am changing others people's lives makes writing so much fun and at the end of the day I can't wait to get home and share with everyone how my day was.

Though you say I have changed your lives, you have helped me change mine. Never in a million years did I think my simple blog about my challenges of overcoming the loss of my Son would touch so many peoples lives. I always knew I had a big loving family, but now my family has just gotten bigger. You guys may think I'm incredible, but it's you guys who are. You guys keep reading even when I don't have much to say. Everyone is so supportive of Mark and I and it has helped us get to the point we are now in our lives.

Through the hardest time of my life, I have truly found out who my friends and my family are. Out of the blue I have friendships in people I could have never imagined and lots friendships and family where I had expected to have the most comfort. If you couldn't be there for me at our worst, you really shouldn't expect to be there for us during the best time of our life together either.

To all the people who are following my blog: Thank You and please, keep on reading and commenting!