I really miss my baby today. Rainy days make it really hard to just put my head down and work. They make me want to go visit Connor the most, but it's so hard to visit him with such crappy weather. His grave is covered by a little tree on a hill, the perfect spot for a perfect boy. Right now all he has is a flower arrangment as a marker, it's really such a long drawn out process to get a foot stone. You would think that they would try to make it a quicker process, no parent wants to go visit their child and just stare at the patch of grass that just a few weeks ago was open to reveal the little tiny hole that was dug. Getting a foot stone for Connor is very bittersweet. I am happy he will finally have his own marker and more people will be able to easily find him and visit whenever they want, but I would much rather him be here instead. Sometimes life is just hard and it sucks. Sometimes it's hard to dig down deep and find the good in the things that happen in our lives, sometimes it's just easier to be angry. When I get angry I just think of when our nurse walked around the corner and placed Connor in my arms. Though most of the time it makes me cry, like right now, it puts me in a much better place. Every day I miss him so much it hurts, but deep down I know he knows how much I love him.

 "Oh your back?, How's the baby?" . . .I finally had my first encounter at work today with a customer who didn't know my "situation". I have been holding my breath when people talk to me always thinking about what I would say. The answer actually came easier then I had thought.."Sorry, we actually lost the baby when I was 40 weeks". Why I felt the need to apologize is beyond me, maybe it was just to make the shock a little easier. I feel I need to comfort people who are just finding out what happened and I'm not sure why of that either. Maybe it's more for myself, to make it easier for me to remember that my son is no longer here or that he never was completely here. I don't like to think of him as gone, not forever anyway, I know one day ill see him again.

I can tell a lot of people are confused as to why I am back to work, but a lot don't ask. Each day I build a little more confidence when I'm out in public, especially when I'm at work. It's a hard thing to do, to look people in the face every minute of every day and be that person. The person who just lost a baby. I hate being labelled as this, I want to walk into a room and be the one who just had a baby! I want people to be equally excited for us because we had our first baby, not to be so upset for us that they don't know what to say. But at the same, I understand how people must feel.

The one thing everyone wants to know lately is if we are going to try again. Our answer of course is always yes. While Mark and I were waiting for Connor to be born, we looked at each other and immediately knew that we would not wait long to have another baby. I'm so relieved that Mark and I are on the same page, we both feel that having another baby will help fill the emptiness of losing Connor. It was never a question of replacing Connor, but fulfilling the dream of giving him a brother or a sister. The one thing that comes to mind is will this happen to us again? I like to think I can just push this thought out of my head but once I actually become pregnant again, I don't feel I will be so brave. How do you do anything different when you tried so hard to do everything perfect the last time? Thinking about trying again leads to so many different emotions. In my whole life I didn't know that one single person could have so many different emotions, it's terrifying. It's an odd feeling to know that there is a lot of people cheering us on, hoping we get pregnant as soon as possible. It makes me laugh, thinking that so many people know we are going to be "trying" for a baby. I never thought we would be a couple that would "try", I always thought that we would just let the pieces fall where they may like the last time. Under the circumstances, I am happy to try. I can't wait to be pregnant again, to expand our family. Not just for Mark and I, but our whole family. Having a baby now isn't just for us anymore, its for everyone who felt the loss of our son. His loss was felt by so many people. He was such a special baby with such a special purpose. I can only imagine how amazing the next chapter of all our lives will be, and I can't wait to embark on it with the people I love most!

I am so lucky to have Mark in my life. Everyday I wake up and not only do I see the person I love, but I see my son as well. Without him I wouldn't be the person I am today. He has made me laugh, made me cry and been a shoulder to cry on all at the same time. Whenever I'm having a bad day he picks me right back up, he is my sunshine when skies are grey. He knows when I need a hug and he also knows when I just need to be alone. We have made a beautiful home together for the start of our beautiful life together. After the past couple weeks I have seen a new side of Mark, for the best of course. Even through all the bad news we received Mark helped me see the positive. He is the one that turned to me and reminded me that even though we lost our son, we still had each other. He's a strong man that I am so happy to have standing by my side in all the good times and in all the bad times. All of these things are why I love him so much and will continue to keep waking up to him day after day.

 Everyday is a constant reminder of what I don't have. I look in the mirror and I see stretch marks on my body. I go to get dressed in the morning and try on a bunch of clothes that don't fit. No matter what I do I am reminded of my son. I go downstairs and there is always that door to my left that remains closed.When we left the hospital after Connor was born we took home a box full of memories. It was something that Mark and I never thought we would look at for a long time, it was to painful to be reminded of what we didn't have. Two days after we got home from the hospital, we ended up looking in his blue box that was tied shut with a ribbon. Inside was his big beautiful hand prints, cute cuddly foot prints with his tiny little toes, pieces of his curly brown hair and his precious pictures. It was amazing. Slowly we took each picture out of the envelope, they were perfect. He had pictures with his Grampie, Nanny and Nana. They dressed him in a tiny red Elmo outfit and wrapped his tiny little arms around his very first little teddy. We now have all of those things home with us everyday even though he isn't. I love his memory box, just the way I love him.

I have never been a writer. All through school when I was asked to write something, I could never think of anything and if I could, I could never get it to come together to make sense. I remember saying the other day how much it sucked that I didn't have my own hobby or something I enjoyed doing on a daily basis. Mark loves bowling, cooking and playing play station. He could do any one of those things for hours at a time 7 days a week if he had the time and of course if I let him. I never understood how he could look up recipes for days or play play station for hours on end but now I do. Finally, I have a hobby. Writing. I have so many people in my life to thank for giving me the strength to share my story that this blog isn't nearly big enough! I love my family so much that I don't think if I called them all and told them everyday that it would be nearly enough. I didn't begin this blog thinking a lot of people would read it, I wrote it because it became very therapeutic and helped me get through each day. I just wanted to write about my experience and if my story reaches other people and I help them get through the loss of a child then that's even better. I just enjoy doing what every other mother does, bragging about how wonderful their children are or were. 

It's hard to believe how fast a month goes. One minute your getting the worst news of your life, the next thing you know it's a month later and your getting back into the swing of things. Well that's the case for me anyway. I'm glad I decided to get back to work because today would have been hard. I talk to Connor a few times a day. It's amazing how I can talk to a picture like it's actually him, like it's going to magically answer me and solve my life problems. Not that I have "life problems", if I have learned anything it's that when I think I have a problem or that I am having a bad day. I'm really not. It's amazing how I used to think because something petty happened at work that I was having the worst day of my life. But let me tell you, I have officially experienced the worst day of my life, and nothing can ever compare to that. So next time you think your having a bad day take a minute and remind yourself, it could be worse.

Today was bitter sweet. Today was my first day back to work. Today was also a should have, could have, would have kind of day.
 
Lets start with the should have. I should be holding my baby boy. I should be rocking him back and forth and singing him to sleep. Mark and I should be sleep deprived and just barely coming up with a schedule for our baby. We should be "cooing" over our son instead of sitting side by side on the couch watching Hell's kitchen while working on our blogs. A person will slowly drive themselves crazy thinking about all the things that should have happened but didn't. I should have had a healthy baby to bring home, but I didn't. Instead, I gave birth to an angel. How can I complain about that? Not many people believe in angels, but I do. I carried one in my body, and held one in my arms.
 
I could have had to go through all of this by myself but I didn't. I never once felt like I had no one to talk too. I could have shut myself down and shut everyone out, but I didn't. My son made me so proud, so if I can I'd like to make him proud too. If I could do anything different, I wouldn't. I have to believe that every decision that Mark and I made was the right one at the time. Looking back I can never picture myself in the situation making these decisions again. At the time, all the decisions we made seemed to come to us "easily". It was easy because we were making the decisions together, not because of any part of it was easy.
 
I would like to Thank Connor. He brought Mark and my families closer then ever imagined. I never would have thought that I could get any closer to my parents then I already was. But I did. I never would have imagined opening up the lines of communication with my mother-in-law the way that I have. I would like to Thank her for giving me a shoulder to lean on when I needed too. I'd also like to Thank my own mother and sister. Without them I never would have made it through the pain I did. They are the strongest, most beautiful women I know.
 
I need to remind myself that even though I should be holding my son now, at least I did get too. Even though I could have went through this silently and alone, I didn't. I would never have the relationship with the people I love most without Connor coming into our lives. He did more in his short life, then most people do in a lifetime.

Sometimes I often wonder how I managed to get through day to day life to the point of getting myself back to work. It's so terrifying to think about "moving" on with your life after losing a baby. I'll never forget him, and I know deep down that he knows that too but for some reason doing different things again in my life sometimes makes me feel sudden urges of guilt. Guilt does crazy things to a person, it shows up when you least expect it and brings you crashing down on your best days. I constantly talked to myself the first week Mark went back to work, always reminding myself this was not my fault. There was nothing I could have done, or the doctors could have done to save our son. The world works in mysterious ways that in all our years here, we will never understand. Every time we walked into a store I was like a bobble head always looking through crowds to see if there was anyone we knew there. What if we ran into someone who didn't know and they realized I wasn't pregnant anymore and asked how our baby was? What would I say? I haven't had that happen to me yet, but I know someday it will. I don't feel bad for myself to have to tell people that I lost my son, because he gave me an amazing story to tell, but I feel bad for the people I have to tell. I don't want people to be afraid to ask about our son, I could tell his story 24 hours a day. When I wake up every day I am reminded that I still have an amazing man to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with. When the phone rings, I'm reminded of the constant support I have from our families which couldn't come with a greater feeling. Every day I wake up happy to be a mother, but some days I wake up angry to not have him here and some days I wake up so sad that I just need to cry. Every day is different, no single day is ever the same when your grieving the loss a child.

Mark and I knew from the beginning that we didn't want a big religious funeral for our son. It's not the way we were, and it's not the way we would have raised him. We also knew we didn't want someone who didn't know us, who didn't know Connor, to speak for us. For our entire 32 hour stay at the hospital we had a close group of family there with us. Nine of us to be exact. All of which never left the hospital. Those were the people that meant the most to us, the ones who meant the most to Connor . We planned a small intimate grave side service for the nine of us who had been at the hospital plus Mark's Father. As we gathered around Connors grave on that foggy, rainy morning I felt in some way at ease. Once again Connor had brought us all together. Russell, Mark's stepfather started for us. His words were from the heart, which was exactly what we wanted. Next was Anne, Marks mom. What she had written was beautiful, she has a way of putting the right words together and really talking from the heart. Next was Me. Connors Mother. That's right, I am a Mother. That is the most amazing feeling in the world. With my family gathered around me and Mark holding me tight I read what I had written. I wrote it for both Mark and I. I didn't know I was going to write anything, but one morning I woke up and I just had so much to say. Not wanting to wake Mark up, I wrote it all down. Surprisingly, it worked its way into a letter to Connor from his Parents. His proud parents.