A lot of people ask; how do you do it?

Most of the time, I don't know how to respond. If each person that has asked me that question sat at home alone with their thoughts, they would probably do the same things I have. You do it because you have too.
I sat and had a good talk with my best friend tonight. She asked me the same thing. I responded by asking her the same question. She is a strong woman and amazing mother that has two children, one of which is my three month old godson, and she still manages to work backshift four nights a week. Sometimes in life you have to throw on your big girl panties with a smile and do what you have to.

I am far from perfect. I have my break downs, some weeks more then others. I am a bereaved mother. I am grieving. I am hurting, but I live on. No one knows the heartache behind each of my smiles, or how many times I have broken down and cried. Connor is so wonderful to think about, but so hard to be without.

Everyone has a reason to wake up in the morning. For my best friend its her two beautiful children. For anyone else it could be the person your waking up to every morning or the person down the street. In my case its for my son and his Father. It's for my family. It doesn't matter how you do it, all the matters is why you do it.

I have learned that in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.  This is my opportunity to grow into the mother Connor deserves. Someone strong, loving and confident.

After all, I am only human.

It's only Wednesday but this week has been the longest one since I have been back to work. Sometimes I feel like it's one step forward, two steps back. Life is just so difficult sometimes. Lately for me, it's been hard to deal with customers who have children. I find myself not being able to pay attention because I keep thinking to myself "Connor will never get to be that age". No matter what, every parents child will always be there baby. Even if your child is 25, there still your baby. For Mark and I, Connor will always be a baby. He is our child frozen in time, not able to grow up and experience life for himself. He will never get to go bowling with his Father or fall in love and have his own children. I don't think i'll ever be able to accept this part of losing Connor.
 
  "When your happy you enjoy the music; When your sad, you understand the lyrics" I found this quote when I was looking through some pictures on facebook. The more I think about it, the more I realize how true it is. Some days I can listen to songs and sing along like I am the best singer in the world. The next day sometimes is a different situation, sometimes lyrics in a song just hit your heart so strong and you just need to cry. I also find this is the same sitatuion with commericials. Especially baby commericials. 

  Life has officially pushed me the eff over, excuse my language. For some reason, I am being tested but I am very determined to push life back even harder. Everything that has happened to me has made me a better person. I love harder, I fight stronger and I wake up everyday living life like this could be my last day. I don't ever want to wake up saying I regret something I did the day before.

Dear Mommas Angel

I can't believe 2 months ago today this was you and I. In this picture I was picturing what you would look like and when you would come. Never in a million years did I picture you coming into this world the way you did. Looking at this picture I find it so hard to believe that you were in my belly. I can't believe I carried you around for 9 months and right when I was expecting to never let you go, I had too. I carry your heart within my heart wherever I go. I constantly have you on my mind and picture what you would look like. Handsome as ever, I know that much! It is so hard to think about how 2 months ago I was laying in a hospital waiting for you to be born, waiting too hold you, kiss you and cuddle you and that we did! You were an incredible first addition to our family!

Love you forever and ever! xo

Today is a great day! After our last doctors appointment I decided that once we had time to digest everything that we found out that we should make another appointment to discuss some things that we never thought to ask at the time. I wanted to make sure that I had all my aces in their places before I drove myself crazy. I went to see my doctor with a full list of questions in my hand. First off, I wanted to know if they could tell how long Connor had been gone before we had actually known. She couldn't tell us exactly, all she could do was reassure us there was absolutely nothing we could have done and that just by looking at him you could tell it wasn't long. I figured that, but I wanted to see if there was a way to know. I also really wanted to know if the blood clot that had formed could have potentially harmed me but no, it couldn't have. That was good news. There were a few blood tests that we were waiting to hear back from that still never came back, so she is sending me again. I pretty much predicted that too! But my main question that I was going to ask was if it was okay to try again. The last time we had seen her she hummed and hawed about it but never really said yes or no. Today was a completely different answer. We finally received some great news. We can start trying again. We so deserved to get this good news! I left the doctors office with the BIGGEST smile on my face. I am so happy to share with all my followers that we are finally about to embark on another chapter in our lives and we could not be happier! Hopefully we have more great news to post soon!!

Connors Nana made this beautiful heart for her garden. Such a small but big way to honor his life with us. I can talk about Connor for days and days and never get bored of the conversation. I remember everything about the days since he was born sleeping.

This week has been Marks first week of vacation in a long time. It's been really hard for me to be at work and him be off. Not only because I'm jealous, but also because he booked this vacation with many different expectations. We had so many plans for this week. This week was supposed to mark Connors first trip to the zoo but instead Mark has been doing yard work and I have been at work. I had pictured this week a lot different, much like every other week since Connors birthday. I had imagined us getting up early to get ready to go, of course it would have taken us forever because it would have been our first day trip as the 3 of us, but eventually we would have gotten there. After we walked around and told Connor all about the animals I pictured us setting up a little picnic in the grass and taking lots of pictures, because that's what parents do. Instead we are doing the exact opposite. Were working hard to keep ourselves busy. It's hard to go through everyday at work because it's not where I had planned on being this summer. I planned on spending a lot of time with family, especially my sister-in-law and mother-in-law and our brand new nephew Finn who was born just 5 weeks before Connor. Although this isn't the way I had planned my life, I am blessed to have two other babies in my life to cuddle and spoil. Our nephew Finn and my Godson Jerakai have helped me get through a lot of rough days, although I don't see them a lot, just knowing I can see them whenever I want is enough.

Just because this isn't the way we had planned our life at this point, life does go on. Life is like a giant poker game, you don't always get dealt the hand you want, but you play it the best you can.

Dear Connor

You don't know this, but your father and I had planned on calling you C.J. That's why we named you Connor James. We talk about you everyday. We often wonder what you would look like, who you would be like and what we would be doing if you were with us right now. Life is very hard without you here. I would give anything to be able to hold you close and sing to you like I did every day that you were in my belly.

I had a popsicle today for the first time since I was pregnant. It's hard eating one and not having you start going crazy in my belly, I always loved feeling you kick and squirm all around, keeping me awake at night. Okay, well maybe I didn't love you keeping me awake at night, but right now I would love for you to be keeping me awake through the night. I wish I could kiss your little nose, hold your tiny little fingers and tickle your toes.

I hate that we never got to see your eyes and that we never got to hear you cry. I hate even more that we can't watch you grow up. I tried my hardest to get you here safely and I am so sorry that I couldn't. People say eventually the pain will go away and the shock will wear off, but I really don't think it will. How can you recover from something that you never saw coming?  You have given us so much to be thankful for that I don't know if you will ever truly be able to comprehend it. Some days I wake up and I am so happy to have my own personal angel but other days I am angry that you had to be taken away from us before we had the chance to know you.

We went to visit you today, I managed to sit there without crying. It felt absolutely awesome to sit there and talk to you. Deep down I know you can hear me. We gave you a few fresh flowers, they were red carnations. You would have liked them, just like your Great-Nanny Marr, they were also her favorite. I like to think that your up there watching over us everyday holding on to your stuffed giraffe Georgie from your Aunt Dudey, that would make her super happy to know that you love it.

I miss you so much C.J.
I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

I decided to make myself another appointment about Connors autopsy report, it's made me think a lot the past couple of days. The chances of stillbirth are 0.5 percent, after your have had a stillborn your chances of having another double to 1 percent. Although we still have a 99 percent chance of having a better outcome, our chances in our last pregnancy were better then they are for the next time and we didn't get to bring our baby home. I can't deny that the outcome of the report hasn't really brought me any comfort, yet. The past 6 weeks I have thought that what happened to us was a complete fluke, now knowing that there is a reason that it happened makes it so much harder for me. I thought I would be happy to have a reason for why we lost Connor, but my heart aches more then I could have imagined. How can I take every precaution the next time when I thought I was this time. I fear the that I wont give my next pregnancy the joy and excitement it deserves, I'm going to be to afraid too. My doctor promises me that they will do everything they can for me the next time so that we get to bring our next baby home, but I fear it wont be enough. My mind lately has been my worst enemy, I continue to argue with myself constantly.

I don't think my palms could have been sweating anymore while we were waiting for my doctor to come into the office on Wednesday. I felt like I could have thrown up walking into the office, the last time I was there everything was perfect and I was big, huge and pregnant. Wednesday was complete opposite. Not only was I not pregnant, we were waiting to hear if anything came back from Connors autopsy. I have to admit that the results that have come back so far are very bittersweet. So far they have been able to tell us that we may have a possible cause for why Connor passed away, they found a blood clot in his umbilical cord. Walking into this appointment I was nervous but in the back of my mind I had myself convinced that she was only going to tell us there was nothing else found, but it was complete opposite. It took me 6 weeks to get used to the fact that we were never going to have a reason for why our son isn't with us right now, so to walk into the doctors office and have her have an explanation was hard. Of course we already knew that Connor was absolutely perfect, every parent feels that way but it's a very hard pill to swallow to hear from a medical stand point that your son was actually absolutely perfect.

The next thing we were very eager to know was if we were able to try again right away. Unfortunately we didn't get the exact answer that we wanted with that either. There is still a few tests that need to come back regarding why the blood clot could have formed, we need to find out if possible if it was a fluke or if there is a reason for it. We do however know that if there is a reason, there is possibly a solution. The next time I am pregnant my doctor suggested that depending on blood work results I can take a baby aspirin a day to help prevent any further blood clots in the future. These results can still take up to 6 weeks and after those results, she wants to see us again 4 weeks after that. That's 10 weeks of not trying to get pregnant, plus however long it takes for us to get pregnant, plus 8 months for my next pregnancy. That is a hell of a lot longer then we had anticipated.

Finding out all of these things in a 20 minute appointment was a lot to take in again. Not that the news we got was terrible, because it wasn't. It just wasn't what I was expecting so it was hard to hear and is hard to think about. Now that we have had time to talk it through with each other and family we have decided to just let whatever happens happen. If we have learned anything from what we have went through it's that things don't happen the way you plan them too. I want so badly to be pregnant again, to be holding my next baby in my arms.  Hopefully everything else comes back normal and we finally get some good news, I personally think we deserve some.

Wednesday is my six week check-up. As it gets closer, I'm finding myself getting more nervous. I feel great physically, some days not so much emotionally, but that is to be expected. A few weeks after Connor was born I received a letter from the Pediatric Pathologist at the IWK, he wrote me personally to say he was sorry for the loss of our infant son and to let me know that the preliminary autopsy results were sent to my Doctor and she would be able to explain any findings found at my next appointment. Lately, it's all I can think about. I have started to get used to the fact that Mark and I will most likely never find out what happened to Connor. The doctors say that this is the best case scenario because it gives us our best chance for the next time we get pregnant, but i every day leading up to my appointment I find myself worrying more and more that something is going to come back. Constantly all these things rush into my mind, what if something bad ends up coming back, I don't know that I could possibly handle anymore bad news. What if they find out it was actually something that is going to prevent Mark and I from having kids in the future. Deep down I'm confident that everything will be fine, but it's human nature to worry. Mark and my whole family are very reassuring and are always there to listen when I'm having a bad day, it's such a great feeling to have such fantastic family and such a strong man in my life. It's amazing that even though everyone around me is greiving, they can still manage I could never Thank my family enough for constantly setting aside my apprehension on a day to day basis. They are all so incredible and so strong. I am so proud of my family and the way they have came together for Mark and I. They make everyday a little bit easier, so to all those family members who I know are reading this, Thank you and I love you to the moon and back!

It's been a few days since I last wrote. I have managed to keep myself pretty busy this week. I had my first girls night out on the 29th. Also on that day, I fit into the jeans I wore before I got pregnant! It was such an awesome feeling. It felt so great to be out and not having a care in the world for a few hours and for once I didn't feel like the person who just lost a baby. I really do have a great group of friends. When things happen in your life, you truly find out who your friends are. I have discovered many new friendships since I have been back to work, it's so amazing to know that you have so many people around you when you least expect it!