Tonight, I really miss my boy. This Sunday, September 16th is my parents anniversary. It also marks a new anniversary, exactly one year since Mark and I found out we were pregnant with Connor. Everyday is slowly starting to get easier to face, although they would be much better if he was here with us. We went to visit him last night, his foot stone looking as beautiful as ever of course.
I don't wake up in the morning anymore hoping everything was just a dream. I am no longer afraid to walk through the mall worried I will see someone. It doesn't bother me to work alone at work anymore but, as I sit here writing, I do still cry that I can admit. Even though each day gets easier, sometimes it is hard to live life without Connor physically here with us, having to plan our lives with him only in our hearts and not in our arms. I wish sometimes that there was a rule book on how to grieve, so you can know when your going to have bad days even though now they are few and far between. When we were visiting Connor I asked Mark if he remembered holding him, of course he remembered. I remember he felt so big wrapped in all the blankets, he looked so peaceful like at any minute he was going to wake up. I remember how hard it was to give him back to our nurse so they could weigh him. I remember everything from that day, I always wondered if I would remember everything and I do minute for minute. I remember exactly how it felt to call my parents and how it felt walking through the front door only 11 hours after our Son was born, how it felt leaving him behind.
I have learned that your mind is a battlefield and everyday you have to wake up and fight your battle. 99 percent of the time I win. I wake up everyday knowing my life is my message to the world and I am determined to make sure it is inspiring.
♥
I don't wake up in the morning anymore hoping everything was just a dream. I am no longer afraid to walk through the mall worried I will see someone. It doesn't bother me to work alone at work anymore but, as I sit here writing, I do still cry that I can admit. Even though each day gets easier, sometimes it is hard to live life without Connor physically here with us, having to plan our lives with him only in our hearts and not in our arms. I wish sometimes that there was a rule book on how to grieve, so you can know when your going to have bad days even though now they are few and far between. When we were visiting Connor I asked Mark if he remembered holding him, of course he remembered. I remember he felt so big wrapped in all the blankets, he looked so peaceful like at any minute he was going to wake up. I remember how hard it was to give him back to our nurse so they could weigh him. I remember everything from that day, I always wondered if I would remember everything and I do minute for minute. I remember exactly how it felt to call my parents and how it felt walking through the front door only 11 hours after our Son was born, how it felt leaving him behind.
I have learned that your mind is a battlefield and everyday you have to wake up and fight your battle. 99 percent of the time I win. I wake up everyday knowing my life is my message to the world and I am determined to make sure it is inspiring.
♥
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